


Don't leave me

by destielsuperwholockbandhoorah



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 14:44:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3071972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destielsuperwholockbandhoorah/pseuds/destielsuperwholockbandhoorah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's prayers finally become too much for Castiel, he has to come back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't leave me

He heard the prayer, like he did so often now. And same as always, it hurt him to hold back, to not go flying right to the side of the one issuing it. Because this wasn’t the average prayer, the prayer of a blind believer praying to someone they didn’t know and couldn’t understand. This was a prayer from one of the only people in the world who truly understood God and his heaven. This was a man who had seen it all, all the pain and gore that was the true heaven. This was someone who knew Castiel. He hadn’t wanted to believe, but reality had forced him to, his own fate had forced him to.

And Castiel had been the one tasked with showing it to him. That all seemed like so long ago, and Castiel almost wished for the simple, unfeeling nature of how he had been. But he didn’t because he knew that it was better this way, even if it hurt more. Because though reality was painful it brought many things that were not, and even a painful truth was better than a lie, especially after all the deceit that Castiel had been subject to in these past years.

It seemed so silly, the concept of puny years being so significant. Castiel had lived since before there was time, and yet… None of those millennia had been what the past several years had been to him. For though he had thought he had knew all the secrets of the universe when he had pulled this man from hell to expose him to the truth, instead the one learning more about reality had been Castiel himself. This man had shown him what real emotion was. Anger, pain, fear, happiness, love. It was all so new to Castiel, even now.

But he had made so many mistakes, he didn’t deserve reality, didn’t deserve to know the truth, didn’t deserve the right to call this man his friend. He deserved this self-induced punishment, and he was determined to not continue to damage the lives of the humans he cared most about. He didn’t deserve them.

He didn’t deserve the man who was now praying to him, only to him. Just like he did so many days. But Castiel couldn’t give in. He was protecting him, even if he didn’t know it, and was determined not to let _feelings_ get in the way of that. Castiel wasn’t even supposed to _have_ feelings. He wasn’t built for them. Dean didn’t deserve Castiel ruining his life any more.

But the way that Dean prayed, it was what humans called heartbreaking, he believed, and completely approved of their choice in naming the feeling. Dean sounded so lost and broken and hurt, wondering where Castiel was, alternating between anger for leaving them and worry about if Castiel was okay. It stirred up a host of confusing feelings in the angel, making him feel a physical ache in his chest he barely understood, making him question his decision over and over again. What was really best for the Winchesters? What was best for Dean? Because that was all he wanted.

This prayer was a little different from the rest. Dean sounded different. He sounded… defeated, like had given up. He didn’t say much differently, just how he wished Castiel would come back, how he needed him, told him about a hunt he had just gone on. But now, the note of hope had diminished to almost nothing. It was like he finally believed Castiel was never coming back. And somehow that, Dean losing faith in him, that was what broke Castiel more than anything else had, more than the shouted insults and the guilt and the blame. Because this was real, this was Dean, and his spirit, his soul, Castiel couldn’t hear them like he used to.

It couldn’t make things worse, he decided desperately, to go and see Dean. He wouldn’t have to reveal himself, he could just stand there, make sure Dean was okay. It couldn’t hurt, right?

He had been so, so wrong.

When he found Dean, he was sitting on the dock of a lake on a chair, head in his hands. It reminded Castiel of the dream he had once walked into of Dean’s. This had once been a happy place for him. He was still praying, and now Cas could hear it with his ears, as well as his grace. He couldn’t breathe, and though he technically didn’t need to, Castiel felt pain like this. Breathing was so… human.

“I just wish I knew, Cas. I wish I knew where you were, why I haven’t seen you in so long. Why did you leave me?”

Cas felt a painful mix of happiness and shame at hearing the nickname in person once again after so long. Cas. With Dean, Castiel became Cas. And he had missed that so much. He had felt like part of himself was missing.

“I just wish I knew…”

And the break in Dean’s voice, tears just barely held back, was all it took. He just couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted to be Cas again.

“Dean.”

Dean spun around, eyes widening in shock as he took in the sight of the angel standing behind him. His mouth fell open, and he stood abruptly, causing the chair to fall on its side with a hollow thump, the only sound between them save for the lap of water on the lake’s shore.

Dean broke the silence. “Cas.”

“Hello, Dean.” He hoped what he felt was conveyed through his voice, because he couldn’t begin to understand how to express everything that was welling up in him right then.

“Where the hell have you been, man? I’ve been praying for you nearly every day! Didn’t you hear me? I had no idea where you were or if you were even alive! How could you do that to me?”

“I’m sorry Dean, I had to- I had to- I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what to say, now that he was here. How does one justify what he had done? He was a fool for thinking everything could simply be as it had been.

Dean began to come toward him, raising his voice. “One time was all it would have taken, Cas, to know you didn’t want anything to do with us, with me, anymore. One little trip down here to the lame human world. Or are you such a son of a bitch you didn’t even care that much?”

Cas took a step back, his legs feeling weak and for some reason he couldn’t see very well. Did angels cry? Could they? “I didn’t want to leave, Dean, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He repeated it over and over again, voice shrinking to almost nothing, trying to make Dean understand. “You can hate me, if you must. I deserve it. I just couldn’t hear the pain in your prayers any longer, Dean.” He had sunk to his knees, and stared at his shaking hands in his lap as best as he could through the tears. One last broken, “I’m sorry,” slipped out of his lips, and he simply sat there, shivering. “I deserve this.” He whispered.

He heard the sound of Dean’s boots approaching him quickly, and as they came right up next to him, he braced himself for impact and prepared to let his flesh give, for anything, knowing how angry Dean was, and rightfully so. He should never have come back, he was sure of that now.

But what he had not prepared himself for was what he did get. He wasn’t ready for Dean to reach down and haul him to his feet, then pull him into a bone crushing hug. He was caught completely off guard, and as a result did nothing, didn’t even breath, wondering what Dean was trying to do.

“Dean?” he dared to move his hands up and return the hug, feeling so relieved at the contact that it scared him a little.

“You don’t deserve that, Cas,” Dean said, all traces of anger washed out of his voce. Replaced by... what? “I don’t hate you, you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry I got angry. I was just so worried…”

“No, I’m sorry,” Cas tried not to sob, now holding onto Dean as if he never intended to let him go. He wasn’t exactly sure about that right then, he wasn’t sure about anything.

Dean huffed out a little laugh, and pulled Cas closer, if that was possible, burying his face in Cas’s neck in a way he would never have done before. “I’m just glad you came back.”

Then all of a sudden he pulled back to look Cas in the eyes. His own were wet, just like Cas’s. Cas momentarily contemplated not letting him let go, but figured it was best not to push his luck just then.

Dean’s face was serious for a moment. “But don’t you ever do that again, you son of a bitch.”

Cas nodded. “I don’t want to. I will never leave you again, Dean Winchester.”

Dean pulled him back for a second unexpected, but completely welcome, hug. Cas could feel a wetness on his neck and he knew that Dean was crying now too, same as him. But he decided to not say anything. This was rare for Dean, and he didn’t want to lose it, whatever it was.

Carefully, he turned his head and kissed Dean’s temple softly, feeling the blood rushing under his lips as they pressed against the warm skin there.

“Never.” He repeated the word quietly, almost to no one, making it a promise as much to Dean as to himself. Maybe he didn’t deserve Dean, and maybe Dean didn’t deserve the problems that Cas brought, but they had each other anyways. The Winchesters were stubborn, they were not going to let something go that they wanted. Cas marveled at the fact that Dean wanted him. He wanted him to be here. He had never quite believed it before, but it was true. And, he supposed he had been with the two brothers long enough to warrant his own amount of Winchester stubbornness. He wanted Dean, and he was going to hold on no matter what, from now on. He would hold on until he no longer could if it killed them both, and past then even. He wasn’t leaving again.

Dean held him a little tighter, and Cas returned the favor, squeezing Dean as hard as he dared, without injuring him. It felt good.


End file.
